In the attempt to change or improve any aspect of your life what is required is “showing up” for yourself. Nothing will change if nothing changes, and the first thing that needs to change is how you show up for you.
Mastering the art of showing up for yourself is a critical part of habit science and building better habits. It is the ability to consistently show up with a willingness to face whatever task, emotion, or experience that follows.
First things first, you will need to get a clear picture of what “showing up” for yourself looks like - and a lot of times, that will require getting honest about the ways in which you don’t show up for yourself. We have to become conscious, that is, self aware of the ways in which we abandon ourselves. This can be a hard truth to face because it is likely to arouse feelings of guilt and shame, triggering our unhealed wounds/ shadow aspects. Do not become consumed by these feelings or the stories attached to them. At this stage we are simply becoming aware, without judgment, so that we can begin to formulate a corrective plan of action. Become aware, and make a list. If you wish, you can continue to journal about the ways in which you notice you abandon yourself, what the trigger was for you to act in this way, and how it made you feel after. By journaling you are gathering data that, in the future, will make it easier for you to spot yourself in a pattern, and take that opportunity to pause and choose to respond differently (i.e - show up for yourself).
Once you have identified the behaviors or habits that are ways in which you abandon yourself, you can begin to explore behaviors that constitute you showing up for yourself. For example, let’s say you’ve had a goal of “eating healthier” every year for the past 5 years. Yet, every year you fall off the wagon and default back to your habits of over snacking or indulging in junk food. Where does self abandonment happen in this scenario and how can you begin to show up for yourself?
To begin with, “eating healthier” is not a clear enough goal. If you are going to retrain your brain you need to be specific. In this example, you create a plan for a corrective action when you notice the craving to abandon your goal. Here is an example ‘game plan’ - “I noticed my tendency to abandon my goal of eating healthier when I eat junk food. When I notice the craving for junk food I will drink a glass of water instead, and then snack on a fruit or vegetable.”
You may not notice you are doing it at first. It could be so habitual that you don’t realize what you’re doing until you’re at the bottom of the chip bag. Do not beat yourself up. Become aware of how that experience made you feel, and with conviction declare that you will do your best to avoid engaging in the sabotaging behavior again. The emotion will make it more likely to stick in your subconscious, and so your brain will be on the lookout to avoid this situation in the future. The more you practice being self aware, the easier it will be to catch yourself before you engage in the sabotaging behaviors.
Nothing is mastered in a day. Mastery happens through consistency and a great way to encourage consistency is through community and accountability. Having a friend or a community that can hold you accountable for showing up, as well create a supportive container for you, is not to be underestimated. This is why having a personal trainer, coach, or mentor can be so helpful.
It is possible to learn to show up for yourself. It is possible to master it in a lifetime. And the good news is that once you start to show up for yourself in one area of your life, it creates a ripple that affects the other areas of your life, a ripple effect that can heal the past, and a ripple that positively impacts your future.
So I will leave you with a little bit of homework. Do a bit of journaling and self inquiry, asking yourself where or how you’d like to show up more for YOU. Ask yourself what is standing in your way, and then set the timer for 5 minutes and list ways in which you can minimize or completely eliminate the real or perceived obstacle (utilize the full 5 minutes even if you ‘think’ you can’t come up with anything else).
If you are ready to go further and really commit to personal transformation and healing, book a discovery call to learn the ways in which my 1 on 1 packages can support you or how you can flourish inside of The Chrysalis community.
In Light,
Vivian
